yay I got around to making more website updates! here's a screenshot of the current website.
coding is feelin like a drug wowww, so satisfying when you finally get something working holy shit it makes u feel like u can do anything and that its all worth it!
here's all the changes:
Next step for the website is adding my portfolio. I fear I'll have to juggle this whimsy website stuff, with the utilitarian use of it. I need it to be a good way to view all my work but I can't have it be a clinical artstation type thing. I really need a job but my artistic side is saying fuck that lets make it into a whimsy experience and it leaves me stuck in the middle. Seems like a good place to take a break from coding, for a week or so. I'll come back with new eyes and new ideas for the portfolio side!
Last night I watched 'La Strada' and wow I'm just feeling so inspired that Fellini guy really knew how to make a good movie its just great...
The criterion dvd came with a second disc, with a documentary about the director. Wow what a fun guy, I'm so sick of this Kubrick type director who acts all emo and edgy and thinks they're so important to justify being an asshole. Fellini seems like the opposite of this, good energy and had his ego in check.
I love how much he leaves to the viewer. The film is done and released, so he knows he shouldn't have any say in peoples perceptions. Lets the audience have a fully subjective viewing experience! He doesn't wanna take that away and that's beautiful.
This whole documentary focused a lot on international perceptions of his films, kinda contrasted by himself. Everyone in the world asking him hey what is the objective truth of this art? whats the meaning? Then Fellini is like there is none, with a smile! That just invites you to create in the world he's shaped, it gets me inspired. Like every viewer becomes the artist in their own mind.
Hey diary, its me again. Today and mostly yesterday I've been workin on finishing the crown for my king puppet!
First a shitton of sanding, then many layers of yellow with my airbrush. I have really really cheap airbrushes, they clog up super easy but to be fair airbrushes do that no matter the price. But anyways I got this pretty rough texture after a day of painting, had to sand it smooth again and then only needed a fewww top layers, and a top coat ofcourse! I use this suspicious bottle that just says 'ACRYLIC LAQUER' in a font that kinda reminds me of papyrus. Says it's weather resitant but the back of the bottle is so vague I have no idea what this stuff really is... But it works great! Thank you strange goo. It does leave a kinda shiny look in the end, So I'll probably end up putting like a vallejo matte coat on top just to make get it nice n flat.
here's a before and after hehe
While painting this, I been thinking, why pure yellow? Why am I not trying to make it look gold and instead like an abstraction of it. Canonically its a gold crown right, when you look at it u see yellow, but the mind fills in the rest, its golden! It's a pretty toyetic thing right. I think of Tygurahs sword from lego adventurers.
Maybeeee it could be just a yellow sword? But in my brain it auto-corrects it to a golden sword. Heck even the classic yellow castle. Yellow stone castles exist in real life, but I've always seen it as a representation of a golden castle. I can't help it!
This cartoon I'm makin, is about a cursed golden coin. I'm commenting on wealth and capital and fame right and gold is a big representation of that here. First I was thinking of making the coins shiny and pretty. The main character is allured by it afterall, like humans we love shiny things its so appealing, we want shiny!! The yellow came cause I wanted to make the king look foolish. Like Trump, painting his home depot ornaments to look like gold but ends up looking flat, cheap, tacky, embarrassing.
But this would create a weird hierarchy right? Why does the kings gold look like plastic, but the cursed golden coin look real and shiny? No no no! I don't want the message of this cartoon to be oh look at this king guy hes the only fool. It's systematic and I want the viewer to get how silly these systems are. So I'm deciding to make all the coins look like this silly yellow aswell! Like the plastic little coins you put in your shopping cart.
ok diary thanks for listening. My coughing is getting better but it's still pretty bad... I just want it to be over with already pleaseeee
oh hai I put the vallejo coat on, it's a tiny bit more matte but still got some shine, its nice. Lets keep going...
Oh also, my adhd got distracted and while having the painting setup out on my desk I ended up painting my mouse green. Didn't exactly end up the perfect shade I wanted but oh well... Good enough I like it!
YAYYYY!!!!! I LVOE HTML!!11
I admit I got a bit stuck on what I actually wanted this website to be. I had a specific feeling in me I wanted to create but wasn't completely sure how I should manifest it.
I gave it some time and I figured it out now!! It came to me like a fish.
for future reference, heres what the current site looks like! I have clear plans to add more features on the frontpage, so stay tuned!!
Click around and explore this new world!! The diary is stored in the trashbin, and I added a brand new addition, the FRIDGE!!!
I love getting fanart it fuels me it makes me so happy like omg I cant even describe it its so special that someone would make that. I've tried saving them over the years but i needed a solution. So now, if I see fanart of my stuff, it goes on the fridge!!! YAY!!
pssst... try clicking on the ''snailwar'' text on the home menu...
On the technical side, the new trashcan and fridge was made in blender, the paper was made by 3d scanning some paper I had on my desk and just placing it into the blender scene! Wanted the textures and the shine of things to feel like early mac sceumorphism. The contrast of these rly textured elements next to the white textureless void feels good, like a cold spite from the taco bell soda fountain.
The fridge was made in a similar way, the fridge texture is a bunch of layers of different things I stacked. Grime textures, some fun scribbles I drew, paint flaking off to reveal the metal underneath, and ofc lotsa handdrawn weathering. It ended up kinda like a painting I love it! The same texture is seen on the actual fridge page when u click it. Then for the homescreen version I put some notes on and drew the fanart with grease pencil ofccc I love grease pencil^^!!! Oh and they even get picked up when u hover over them!! its so satisfying.
coding is getting easier to me!! its an actually really enjoyable part now :3 Even dipped my feet in some javascript for the first time!!
The best thing you can do is tbh just go check out other websites you like, and find out how they are constructed by inspecting their layout. w3schools and random tutorials fill in the rest!
I'm still coughing, still rly sick, throat hurts so much ghhh.... I went to a GP, she did tests and said it's defo some long term virus. The flu part of it is over but the coughs are just a longer lasting symptom of the virus. Hope it ends soon, I hate it so much its makes me sad I wanna do shit like normal...
Atleast I'm getting some shi done. Continuing animation and the puppet is nearing completion!! I even made him a crown out of air-dry clay.
Before putting clay I made a more rigid structure out ov metal wire to get the shape and to prevent it from cracking or breaking. The crown is getting really heavy and I was worried cause what if that's gonna make puppeteering annoying? But I think if you can tell it weighs a lot that'll just be kinda funny hehheh...
ok see ya later diary... bye bye
I've been sick for a bit over a week now! First I thought its covid, it feels like covid but no turns out its just a really rough random flu. I am like sickly victorian child fr!!
I'm all out of za too, if I had some I'd just get high have a week long trip until I'm recovered. But I cant!
I'm stuck to slow everything down. Not even to rethink anything, I havent been doing much thinking. Just slowing down for slows sake.
I've been sewing a puppet by hand for my next cartoon.
It's so fun and exciting, seeing this creature slowly come alive in my hands!! This puppet character wasnt even supposed to be apart of this cartoon, he is a total tangent in the story but I like to think he'll add some extra flavor to it ^^
anyways, I'm broke, I dunno how I'll afford next months rent yet, theres a tiny bug in my mind telling me to stress about it but I'm silencing it. Tedium has become a privilege, not really a privilege I can afford right now but... I try!
been watching one piece with gf. It's lovely! We just completed that arc where Luffy gets an afro. I havent looked much into the online one piece scene but my impression from people is that alotta people be rushing through, watching the dub on 2x speed, skipping whole arcs just to get to those hype moments and catch up to the latest chapter. I hate this.
You are deeply embarrasing!! This is the one thing where you are so allowed to, encouraged to spend as much time on as possible, but you choose to burn it as quick as possible in the name of efficiency. Cowards!!! This ideology is really widespread in anime ofcourse. Rush through seasons, don't think, don't engage, brag about it to your friends. this passive sport needs a name, I cant think of one. Anyways it really devalues art I dont like when people do this.
I've been watching this lego ninjago podcast, and the topic of skipping seasons keeps coming up. Season 2 in particular. People call the first half of that season "filler". This is a poisonous word. Want to kill all enjoyment in a piece of media? Start calling anything that doesn't revolve around the main spectacle hype moments of a story, "filler". What is this fucking obsession with making art efficient?!??
these epsiodes just give more life to the world man, not every episode has to be some thanos level threat and wtf is wrong with a self-contained episode? I welcome more self-contained episodes please thanks!!
As I sit sewing my little puppet I sometimes check my email, check comments online and it makes me so happy. Yall are so supportive and it really keeps me going! It's pretty crazy how many feelings that silly juice girl video can illicit. It freaks me out when someone tells me "omg im ur biggest fan and the juice girl video cured my depression!!" cause what do you mean? I'm not famous, famous people get paid, famous people own houses, famous people dont shop in the same grocery stores as us. If little old me can be someones favorite artist, anything can be possible! What if that lady in the grocery store is someones fave artist? how many people do i see while riding the tram, doing tedious errands, that could be someone elses fave artist? This just makes me enjoy the world a bit more.
It's basic empathy but hey I'm very secluded I dont go out much hahaha. It's crazy how many people have told me they read these entries. Like wow anytime someone tells me that, I jump a little. Like geez u weren't supposed to see that how dare you... Anyways if ur reading this pls Dm or message me anywhere and say "SHOWER SHOWER GO SHOWER NOW YOU STINKY STINKY CREATURE!!1"
Anyways, new cartoon is out soon-ish. I'm really enjoying my time on it and cant wait for yall to experience the dissonances of this story! goodnight!
feeling so dissociated for the past few weeks, so much stuff to get done but the amount is so daunting. Adhd meds help for sure but they do make me a bit cocky too, I'm like oh yeah I'm doing good so now I can put even more tasks and stresses on the list! And then end up just as exhausted hahah...
My social worker whos been a huge help right now keeps being so shocked at how many tasks I take on but it's like, there really are none that I can leave out at this point. I've thought about it and yeahh there are some things I've scaled back on but still, so many things...
I've been getting this pain in my spine, it was maybe a week ago it just hit me like a stab. It was so weird just constant high pain I had to lay down. Now I got it again this morning but on a different place on my spine. I do sit really weirdly and my chair is not ergonomic in any way, but also idk, it might just be the constant stress and that's my guess. The pain is in my chest today, I'll take some painkillers! Also if any ergonomic chair companies are reading this, I am open to brand deals.
I'm gonna animate today. I love distractions I get sooo easily distracted I'm like a dumb little dog!! Especially when anything goes wrong.
ok bye
Hey diary, I haven't had much time to write to you recently. So much to do every day.
I just uploaded the godzilla short film to youtube. It feels nice uploading something. It's the feeling of just being able to let that shit go wherever it will go. No more touchups. It's done.
If you're reading this you've probably seen it? It's called Godzilla: A Jesus Story.
I made it with my gf and I gotta say we make a great team! Being able to bounce ideas is so powerful guys!
The film was made for hellavision, so we had a hard deadline we had to follow! This is always good for me, like the juice girl video was for a past hellavision event too! The time constraint just makes me think less, trust my gut feeling cause I don't have any time to overanalyze. it's great!
Just had to make a credit sequence for the youtube upload and boom now it's out. I'm really proud of it!
I'm so sleepy I'll make this a short post
But I've been figuring out merch stuff! I think for posters I'm going to go with this really cool Risography print house, I'm in talks with them and I've bought stuff they've created before. Their craftmanship is so beautiful and it's gonna be really cheap for yall to get a poster too! I've got more plans but posters are the number one thing I want first.
I realised I was taking too much adhd meds. Your fingers are NOT meant to shake uncontrollably!!! I halved my dose and now I still get the active effect but without tweaking out completely.
It's gonna take so long to sort all this Lego... I haven't even made a dent in my collection, it is so time consuming!!! But it's pretty fun and relaxing, gets really meditative after a while.
Ok, thanks for reading and have a good day ^^ remember ninjas never give up!!
Hey computer diary! I like using big words, it makes me feel cool but I'm getting tired of that, makes my mouth so tired you really dont need THAT many consonants in one word.
for the past week or so I've been so consumed by ninjago and lego... This year is the 15th anniversary of ninjago, the pilot episode and first three seasons are really nostalgic to me! If you know nothing about this, lego made a really really good wave of anniversary sets to celebrate and I guess cash in on the nostalgia. It worked, oh it worked so well... god I'm like...
its like the consumer becomes the consumed hahaha
cause I'm so obsessed right now. I wake up, I hear the ninjago overture theme on repeat in my head. I go to my desk to organize my lego collection, and read ninjago community discourse and listen to ninjago video essays. I get so lost in it its like a drug!!! Then at the end if the day I watch ninjago with my girlfriend and go to sleep!
Oh and yeah I've been reorganizing the whole house. Everything is so much clearer and orderly, everythingnhas its place. Now I'm just doing it to my lego collection. Got more sorting boxes, got this new drawer, I'm cutting up little boxes to sort all my lego into. It's so satisfying! And my workspace is huge now cause my gf got a new sleek desk, she gave me her old one and I connected it to my setup!!! So exciting to get everything sorted!!!
anyways, ninjago... I was really looking forward to season 5 "possession". I had heard so many great things about it. I wont spoil it but it's about this emo twink called Morro! So instead of watching it like normal, I hosted a marathon to watch the whole season!! Invited my friends, we had pizza and dr pepper. Some had never seen ninjago before but I explained enough and the show had enough context clues that it was easy for everyone to catch onto what was happening. It was a great night! Such a fun hangout and I feel so privileged to have cool friends that are down to indulge in my hyperfixations. and hey, even when they had no interest, they really loved it. They really understood what makes it so special to me! Oh and season 5 was so fucking amazing. The Morro hype did not let me down, okay I didn't wanna spoil but I have to talk about this more...
SPOILERS FOR NINJAGO SEASON 5
I love the character of Ronin and Morro. Thematically they are opposites. Ronin is really obsessed about material worth, money, treasure, he's so materialistic and a capitalist. In his scenes with Nya he keeps telling her to not grow any emotional attachments. Don't care. Detach from your feelings. While detachment can be useful ofcourse. I wouldn't say the advice is horrible in this context, but it's very telling of his character. He has taken this motto so far that he is willing to sell his new friends out, he secretly made a deal with Morro and the spirits, reminds me of the "deal with the devil" trope. Come to think ov it he would probably call himself "apolitical". Yet that makes him so easily co-opted by the cursed spirits, like a pawn. Because of his materialist chains, Morro can objectify him like this.
On the other hand, Morro is completely fuelled by emotion. He has very good reason. I would even call what sensei Wu did to him abuse, Morro is a very traumatised character. The contrast of themes is so fun! I love this kind of writing, I remember an episode where they were cutting inbetween Ronins hijinks, and the ninja team going on a kindof spiritual retreat in the cloud kingdom. Just such a wide range of themes there, I feel like I could write so many essays about this seasons themes all merging like omg the cloud kingdom!!!
So many stories deal with "destiny" and "the chosen one" stuff. But with the cloud kingdom they made it so literal, these beings literally just writing the plot of the world. Ninjago has talked about destiny before in a very starwars-ey way.
Like as soon as the chosen one trope comes up in a story we're all rolling our eyes... BUT they expanded it so nicely into this literal concept like I've never seen before. They could have kept it vague but instead gave us this incredibly creative world building it just makes me smile!! Hope we see more of the cloud kingdom, the fact that they're so snarky and snobbish just adds to it. They have such high power and privilege and they're not even scared to sell out either!! plus they're british!! yuck!! I want a whole novel about cloud kingdom politics haha.
I think I wanna rewatch this season again, it just has so much packed in it. It's very lovecraftian. This quaint waterside village being possessed by the cursed realm and then this big kaiju at the end. It's creepy as hell and the editing, directing and cinematography does such a great job at giving you actual chills. I got spooked!!!
Anyways, back to the themes. Morros death is so fucked up. It made the whole room gasp. This kid was so traumatised he'd rather kill himself than have to grab the hand of who hurt him. Wu groomed him into this destiny, then just abandoned him. Becoming the green ninja was his whole world. When that ultimate purpose gets taken away from you what the fuck do you even do?...
He could not get past the trauma and we don't blame him. He deserved better and it's heartbreaking to see him go.
On a lighter note though, Ronin has a more hopeful end. He realises how nice it is to have emotional connections with people, breaks from his material habits and sacrifices his money to save everyone. I think this scene feels so powerful cause it's not just the weight of the metal coins but the significance Ronin put into this money holds so much energy and meaning. Letting it all go is so powerful.
Anyways soooo my gf got me one of the ninjago anniversary sets for valentines day. It's so freaking cool, amazig value omg u get all the main ninjas and samurai x and wu and an extra character from the lore?!!! CRAZY!!! I love this set
I'm getting a bit brainfogged from writing I should go take a walk but I'll just finish this pretty quick
It was really this set that set off the chain reaction that led to my hyperfixation. I am getting back into work, I actually finally got a message in the mail saying the snailwar company is all up and running now!!! my applications were accepted!!! yayyy!!! I'm so excited. This will make it easier to expand. I've been looking to get a printer, I know I want to do lots of prints so it would crucial to have one. Ordering prints from other people adds up. Been looking at the epson ecotank ones, (specifically the ET-8550) I love how they dont need cartridges you just pump it with cheap ink! Found a good deal on it but I'm thinking if I should bite the bullet or not, maybe it's too early? But also maybe not... I'm so tempted, I'd use it for years, this is a good price, prints in a3, it's my birthday soon so I could excuse it as a gift for myself maybe...
Ah fuck it I should get it...
Anyways I'm gonna go animate now! I have like 3 or 4 days to make my cuntavision submission, and I honestly haven't even started. I'm looking forward to the time crunch, like a gamejam! I'll make something funny.
OKAY LAST THING this ninjago blacksmith anniversary set is so sick it's literally perfect and I was even wanting to get it for the high price of 100 bucks... But there was this crazy sale and I somehowww got it for 60?!! like WHAT thats crazy wnd I'm so excited to build it. This is not good for my mental health cause ninjago is a drug and building this set will just sink me deeper into this obsession but but but LOOK AT IT I AM IN LOVEEEEE gf said I have to finish my cuntavision animation before I'm allowed to build it tho so... TIME TO ANIMATE!!!!!
BYE HOPE YOU EAT SOMETHING NICE TODAY!!!
So I work as a freelancer hopping from gig to gig. With amazing luck I somehow survive from paycheck to paycheck. It's shit. economically It's so risky. Artistically it doesn't empower me to make anything cool. There is no balance. You're either burning yourself out on a project to make below minimum wage, or you're anxiously waiting for the next email from that producer. Getting no sleep cause you feel like a childish asshole choosing this life instead of being ykno... responsible and getting a real job?
sighh
Whenever I post things on the internet, it's been kinda aimless. for the love of the game I guess? I've been incredibly lucky in blindfiring like that. But it's not sustainable. The start of this year has been all about system. storyboarding organizing I need a systematic philosophy in everything. Like, our new apartment is pretty big. When we moved in I tried making everything as organised as possible, but couldn't. It was too much. It takes time to develop long-term sustainable systems and old habits die hard ykno! But now after settling in, it's happening!
The living room couch/tv media centre was kindof a mess for a long time. One of the drawers in the tv table was literally just a pile of cables and controllers from various consoles. Trying to use any of them was hell cause of the detangling! The back of the tv was hell cause you had to reach around back and switch hdmi cables around!! the speaker was either from the shitty internal tv speakers, or our shitty jbl bluetoothe speaker, which you have to pair every fucking time omg even thinking about it is so annoying!!!! Accumulatively all of those wasted hours grow large. Little things like this wear you down over time and you have less energy at the end of the day!! BUT I tore apart these systems and hey now I built new systems! Got a second-hand hifi amp for cheap, now we got surround sound its so sickk omg!! and I got us an HDMI SWITCHER!!! YAY ITS THE BEST!! I am never ever going behind that tv again fuck that shit!! I emptied the cabinet with the pile of controllers, created this new space inside our coffee table. I sewed this fun little divider out of old pillows, it creates a soft and comfy living space for the controllers :3 plus I bagged all controllers like a psychopath!!! they will NEVER be tangled again.
Okay so, I am focusing on my tv setup but this thing flows through everything right now. I'm taking this time to organize my life and all these areas of organisation I think will combine into the same goal.
It is all important.
I am sick of feeling like I'm winging every day in the gig economy, it's a systematic problem. And I can build a better system for myself. I know I can. I'm tryina organize everything so I can comfortably pay rent from my own art! MERCH, more of a push on patreon, reliable gig work from people i trust, spreadsheets, proper accounting and budget spreadsheets! It's hard now. I'm not putting anything out at the moment. But when this gear ratio is properly oiled and setup then its gonna run so smooth!
I dont expect or assume it to happen, but when something I make blows up in the future I'll have the infrastructure to make it actually make sense to do this ykno?
Some weird advice you hear on social media over the years is like... JUST POST MORE POST MORE POST MORE!!!! But like ok... I did that, it works to get views i guess? but when I gained the clout, I had no idea wtf to do with it. What the fuck is the point?
This website is apart of that. I'm building it slowly but it will be a functioning ecosystem one day. Tear your systems apart from the inside and create something that makes sense.
''adhd girl discovers how to clean your room''
Thanks for reading and hope you could relate to this or take something from it. cya!
hey computer! hey website!
I was working on the website right, but I sorta hit a wall. I was coding for over a week straight so I was getting exhausted, needed a break from typing html. So I went back to animating my film! But something annoying happened. I do this all the time, instead of ykno, locking in on storyboards and animatics and the bigger picture I just hyperfocus on a single shot.
That's what I did! I locked in for 2 days and made a really nice enviornment. Now I'm not calling this shot completely useless, I know I'll need this shot in the future and the scene is completely 3d so I can reuse it for all shots in this location! But it's not what I should be doing right now. If I want this project completed then I need to do the hard work of animatics. Making a vertical slice is easy. you can file away at the same animation for days, add little details, make it shiny, overwork it... It's a me hanical process where I just go into flow state, zero thoughts only craft.
but making the big picture is way more daunting to me and this is a habit I keep trying to break out of. Painting a pretty picture just feels good. I feel validated when I show my friends "hey look what I made" and they go "OMG NO WAYYY OMG JULIA YOU ARE SO TALENTED AND I AM PROUD OF YOU AND YOU ARE VALID AND AN ARTIST!" I like it when people tell me this. But I cannot let myself depend on that. I am making a film, not a frame.
And to complete this film, I NEED ANIMATICS.
Like NOW.
I NEED a finished rough draft. If the project keeps going without that it'll just crash at some point I know it. No time for tunneling into single shots. I have a big story here. I need to remind myself that animation is only the vehicle.
It's such a powerful medium, it consumes you if you let it. Then it spits on you and leaves you burnt out. Don't let yourself sink into the feeling of just painting paint instead of painting a story. Thinking about camera gear instead of thinking wtf you're actually filming. It's a drunken state if creativity and yes it's important to let yourself enjoy that in doses, but I NEED structure and I need to see how these scenes feel in connection to one another. I really don't want to stumble my way through this and then have to delete scenes later, that would suck.
After doing this I did get on flipnote again to sketch animatics. It's nice. Flipnote is so handy because it does not overwhelm you with options. It doesn't let you infinitely refine stuff, it keeps you in a box so you actually create shit! With that said I'm still working away at it. For sure the reason for procrastination on this is addiction to the flow-state + the cycle of seeking validation from friends. I must be mindful, sober, self-aware of my own mechanics and get throught this.
Today was nice weather outside. So I was like hell yea LETS GO FILM A PATREON VIDEO OUTSIDE!!! I wanted to just talk to camera honestly. Down to earth vibes and let myself ramble on tangents. This video would act like a little catchup for everyone on what I'm doing announcing my next film.
I need to make this kind of "content". I need my patreon to get a boost cause I want to pay rent. I need to make short reels and shit, play the algorithm for a bit to get more people interested in supporting me. Anyways so I go out, I find a good hill, and omfg its horrible imma be honest. I had no clear thought, my sentences just could not be formulated properly, I was so in my head. Bad angle was triggering my dysphoria like crazyyyyy!!! Yeah... speaking to camera is so hard its so fucking painful omg!!! I tried editing something together but gahhh nah fuck it. I so look visibly frustrated at the end of this like im pissed the words aren't coming out right... sigh...
Wont be posting this one but yea, I wanna do more patreon videos, more insta videos, more slop to play the algorithm. I'll keep trying to get good at this but I've been trying for fucking years it's so tiring ut makes me so anxious and nervous I start shaking uncontrollably and then I jump in bed to cry about dysphoria and voice dysphoria uhhhgg.... But I'll keep going. Maybe I just need somene to talk to when recording? my gf could be off-screen, I love talking to her so it would just be like talking to her right? fuck talking to the camera it stinks I'll talk to my beautiful girlfriend instead. Stay tuned to see if this works I guess haha... NEVA GIVE UP!!!
ok im tired now and my fingers hurt from typing so byeeee have a good dinner
Last night I got a sudden existential episode, this is very common. it happens often. Now in the morning after being on a long walk with my dog, I'm feeling better but I think to myself, would I share those thoughts last night to my diary? And what do I even want this diary to be like... I don't want these to be like some kinda articles. There's something so staged and phoney about that, this is a diary.
I've been working on this thing inside me for a while now. This urge to wanna seem cool and collected. I just want people to think I'm cool. I just want people to think I'm the coolest animator ever wow shes so cool and also hot... It has the opposite effect cause yeah it turns into toxic perfectionism, it turns into putting too many fucking overlay filters on my art, turns into overworking a piece when it would be better just to leave it raw with sketch lines and all. It turns into empathising with the eyes of the viewer too much, thinking you know what they'll like. But in the long run ur just deriving them of seeing the weird embarrasing stuff inside you.
That's what I love about my favorite pieces of art. I love it when it's kinda embarrasing, showing sides of the creator we would be embarrased about! I love art with odd dissonances or tangents yet it takes itself completely serious.
I'm working on my next short film. I haven't shown much publicly, I don't want it to be perceived yet. I need it to be able to take shape without me getting that pressure of knowing everyones going to see it. Yet even though I'm the only one seeing it right now, I still get that fucking pressure. I need to let go of wanting to be perceived as the coolest and I don't know how.
Well to be fair to myself, I'm getting closer. Most of this short film project is 2D animated and omg I'm sooo rusty! Doing 3D for years has made me completely forget how to draw in perspective. It's a humbling experience! Go to sleep pissed off about wasting all day not nailing the perspective, but wake up the next day and keep going. Then there's the moments where you nail drawing a hand and you're like... Wtf Lois how am I doing this??!?!
I'm not the best, if I was the best I'd probably get too overwhelmed by what people expect...
Anyways, diary. When I think of diaries it's always these sacred books, locked away. it's supposed to be a private framing mechanism for the user to talk to herself without feeling weird. Doesn't it kinda ruin it if it's public on your website? I know I WILL filter myself on here compared to my inner thoughts right?
Ehhh fuck it my mind is running in circles... This diary is here as a framing mechanism to make myself more comfortable about showing these feelings, to become a more open human. I need that.
Finnish culture is very sterile. People don't laugh, people don't make, people don't admit to when they're hurting. You keep it inside cause you don't want to look 'nolo'.
'Nolo' roughly translates to 'cringe' or 'embarrasing'. In finland the threshold for this is very very low. This doubles if you were socialised male, cause then you also have to be macho to prove your masculinity!
It's not even intentional it's just, when we try talking about topics we get this physical fight or flight response. Like I'd rather puke than communicate about how my day is going.
I've been breaking through this all my life. Estrogen helped! I'd say now I'm more talkative and transparent than most finnish people. The short film I'm creating is deeply personal and I just feel so good letting shit out. But compared to people from other countries? No, I'm stunted from feeling free to express myself. Growing up in this culture makes you feel cringe and embarrassed if you dare to take up any space in the room.
So yeah I plan on oversharing on this diary. Enjoy the rants!
Today there was a cozy little streetfood event outside my apartment. Me and my gf went see whats up, it was a nice atmosphere! Local families hangin out eating donuts, 4 foodtrucks forming a half circle with good seating in the middle. Overpriced pizza slices, traditional finnish soups, hipster smash burgers, donut truck. Nothing unique but still nice to see the local community gather together.
But something was off. The big posters that I'd seen earlier this week were all over the neighbourhood. With obvious AI atifacts, misspellings, a generated image of the community gethered around food trucks under the glow of warm lanterns. But ofcourse with their bodies awkwardly melting into eachother and phasing into abstraction.
There's this brand new ramen place downtown, looks really yummy! I've been dying to have a genuine ramen place in Helsinki. In the past it's mostly just been the same chain restaurants so I was excited for something fresh for ramen! I followed them on instagram so I'd remember to go after the crowds get smaller.
The hipster smash burger was actually great! Had some finnish flavors in it and was very fairly priced! The big AI poster was looming over us but... Maybe they just don't know better right? Maybe this event was just hosted by clueless facebook boomers and they're just the victims? After consuming our burgers we rode the tram downtown to get some groceries. I doomscroll to make the travel time go faster. Oh what's this some AI trash on my feed again... Turns out it's an AI generated ad for the ramen place I was so excited about! Oh no...
It's every fucking day at this point...
Why can I not go a single day without seeing AI shit...
I need an amp for my speakers! I ask my own dad about any hifi stereo tips, he's a rock dude so he used to be a total pro at this stuff!! Now he does not know and asks Google AI for answers. I go to the social worker to ask how I should pay my taxes as a freelancer, they do not know... So they ask Google AI. I go to the hospital to a doctor... He cannot help me get diagnosed so instead asks chatGPT what to do. I am not overexaggerating here, it's become so normalized. Especially in healthcare right?
For a long time and still, even those who were opposed to LLMs repeated the sentence 'AI can be bad but it's doing great things for healthcare!' I dunno... In the long term it is having a clear negative effect. 'De-skilling' people are getting dumber by relying on it.
There's these studies you've probably heard about. Proffesionals getting worse at detecting cancerous cells, cause they're relying on AI. Is the tradeoff really worth it? Trading these new AI powered screening tools, for the skills of the workers? I don't trust it. It's clear that skills are being degraded, and that's just people already in the workforce! People still in education using AI as a tool for getting your degree is a whole other can of worms. What the fuck will happen when they get working? God it's a horrible mess. We are so fucked.
Here's some sources about de-skilling:
God I hope the bubble pops already... Please let the bubble pop.
I go to the store, my sight is violated by AI generated craft beer. I work as an animator on a netflix show, they have me working off of AI generated concept art. I go to my moms whatsapp, she sends me the AI art she generated of her and her dogs smiling with that piss orange color grading. I've made art for her all my life, I give her physical paintings and drawings of her dogs for christmas and birthdays. Jesus I'm being replaced by AI even by my own mom... AI is widespread and we are made to believe that there is no way to put it back in the tube.
It doesn't have to be it though. I tell myself over and over it's just a bubble.
It will pop.
It must pop.
But when it's always there laughing in your face, ruining ram/gpu/sd card prices, polluting neighbourhoods with giant data centers, handicapping humanitys intelligence just to make those investments worth it. It's disgusting.
On instagram I get called a 'luddite'. It doesn't get to me but I just find it ironic. All my life I was into learning new tech! The boomers just shook their heads and said 'computer bad'. Telling me I was 'wasting my time'. But alas, now I'm the luddite? Out of ALL the technologies, they pick the worst one?
It's sad cause no, they did not pick it. It was thrown onto them without consent.
A big part of the normalisation was really Googles AI overviews. One day it was just there. Noone asked for this but here it is. Huge block of text, you can't miss it! I was even using it for convenience at first I mean... It's already generated it so whatever?
'whatever?'
That seems to be the general philosophy in these pro-AI crowds. Craft does not matter, thought does not matter, so what if the streetfood poster is AI? So what if the concept art is AI? So what if your therapist is AI? It's whatever to them... It's like when you're depressed and high out of your mind for weeks and ignore how shitty your enviornment has become. The greasy dishes on the floor, the bugs landing to suck the oil from your forehead. Your daily dinner has become dry bread. Because it's 'whatever'.
Luckily with firefox extentions you can disable the google AI overview, but on my iphones safari browser? No way to turn it off yet. And all this without our consent. 'MOVE FAST AND BREAK THINGS'.
Thank you diary for listening to my venting. Not all diary posts will be me venting about how much I despise AI! Promise! I love being optimistic and there's way better stuff to think about! But this is just getting so exhausting... Maybe even part of creating this website is reclaiming that power in a world that trivializes my passions. I need this place. I don't want it to feel like some kind of secluded suburb either, just like a place that matters and has soul. I cannot let my humanity be treated as 'whatever' in the AI algorithm.
It's interesting to see how everyone copes with this. When I speak to fellow artists there's a feeling of people being in a constant state of mourning. However you're coping with this AI plague, good luck. Do not stop creating. Don't feel like you'll be 'left behind' if you don't use AI in your workflow. You wont be. AI DOES NOT HAVE SHIT ON YOU! Also, good job for reading so much! Literacy is getting weaker. I struggle finishing this one novel I'm reading rn. It takes a lot of mental effort and discipline when entertainment is becoming too convenient and hyper attention-seeking. And it makes it 100x harder if you have adhd like me!
ok bye!
Heyyy everyone!!! I'm currently building the website, I got this diary page working so... this is my first entry!!
I really hope this website will become a chill space everyone can enjoy. Like most people I have gotten so so sick of social media, it's so stressful and who knows what'll happen with these stinky corpos?! It might just explode and ruin all our careers right? This website will be my home turf now and I'll feel good knowing it'll ALWAYS be here! Really gaining my own autonomy has been a common theme this year. Getting my film independently funded so I dont have to work for corpos. Locking in on animation so I dont need to depend on government benefits.
I have always hated programming... I'm a visual artist, I don't enjoy technical things like coding. But I want to make a video game! So annually for my entire life I've started coding courses for different game engines. But after a day of listening to the basics I've heard a million times turn into more advanced math shit and my brainfog becomes louder, I just sadly droop down in my chair. My eyes get incredibly heavy and I fall asleep at the computer in a really uncomfortable position and get scary dreams.
But something changed this year. I really don't know, maybe it's me getting on adhd meds? maybe my brain really did gather info from all of those courses I fell asleep to collectively? But I'm really getting it now! And hey html/css is kinda fun to me right now?!?! so weird to feel this...
In the past, whenever I met a programmer I would ask them 'do you get into flow state when u code?' They were unsure what I was talking about and looked at me weird, because I was speaking in artist terms. I just thought man how could you possibly enjoy this shit without getting zoned in? But after figuring out html I've seen it now, yeah ofcourse you can get into flow state with this!
Maybe it could be more fun to think of programming in this way? It is often seen in such a clinical and technical way. That's what scares a lot of people away from coding I think, atleast it does for me! Not trying to blame web developers but it makes it feel pretty gatekeepy. If we want to get more creative people off of social medias and onto the indie-web then maybe lay off the focus on technical shit!
Well actually then again... We probably focus too much on making stuff 'convenient' (in the name of 'democratization') when it's already soooo accessable! FreeCodeCamp, W3Shools, Neocities and other resources are already free and accessable so... If you have a puter, theres no reason not to get yourself a website. Guys trust me, as a sleepy, lazy artist who just learned this stuff I know you can too! Learn new things!! It's fun!! It's like dark souls in real life!! CONDITION YOURSELF TO OVERCOME ADVERSITY AND CHALLENGE YOURSELF FOR THE FUN OF IT!!!! It will lead you to amazing places :D
Maybe the seemingly daunting mountain of programming is a nice skill-check :3
